When it comes to false witnesses, I've mostly held to the strict policy of not dignifying dishonesty with any attention whatsoever. If liars want to crawl around in the shadows with cloak and dagger, then they have that prerogative, though I haven't found it to be the noblest existence.
Another reason I rarely if ever address rumors is because I do not want to give the impression that I deserve brownie points or a pat on the back for something a person isn't supposed to be doing to begin with. It often comes across as arrogantly fishing for adulation and self-affirmation, which is something I would like to avoid even giving the impression of doing.
Thirdly, I had assumed it went without mention that in a nation where people of color are summarily executed for jaywalking, if a black man has never been charged with any criminal offense, he probably hasn't committed one.
However, there comes a time in every person's life when so many attempts at character assassination have been made, and one's reputation has taken so many blows, that one would be considered daft to not respond in some manner. I've always assumed that turning the other cheek applied only to the use of physical force, and not verbal invective, so morally, one is free to express one's opinion, which I have readily done and will continue to do.
Therefore, without further ado, and in no particular order, the following are a list of illegal things that I have never done, nor attempted to do, nor which I plan to do any time soon:
- I've never abused drugs or alcohol
- I've never committed assault
- I've never committed fraud
- I've never committed larceny
- I've never committed armed robbery
- I've never committed grand theft auto
- I've never raped anyone
- I've never murdered anyone
- I've never committed espionage
- I've never had sex with a minor
- I've never blackmailed anyone
- I've never extorted anyone
- I've never done human trafficking
- I've never done organ harvesting
- I've never dealt drugs
- I've never crossed a border illegally
- I've never put out a hit on someone
- I've never orchestrated genocide
- I might have jaywalked once or twice, but I lived to tell the tale
Now, in complete honesty, I've been sedated for surgery in the past, so obviously I cannot vouch for what I was doing to others, or others were doing to me, during those moments of my life. They're gone forever. And I cannot say for certain that I didn't jump off the operating table, escape the hospital, and sneakily commit all of the above crimes without any recollection of having done so. I'm simply operating off the assumption that a) someone would have told me about it, and b) I would have suffered some sort of legal consequences.
Might I reiterate: I don't expect a pat on the back for exercising restraint in my nearly half century of life on this Earth. Billions of people are just as free from criminal liability, and none of them place it on their CV. And it doesn't really make me feel superior to others, because I've never walked in anyone's shoes but my own. I only mention this to reassure my friends that yes, I'm aware that people talk, and no, I'm not stupid.
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